I realized this as I was watching a youtube video of the beaches near my university. It's a beautiful video in which you can see what the beaches look like from a birds eye perspective. The water reminds me of that there is far more out there then just our little university bubble while at the same time I have no means to cross it and get out of here. (To be fair I also wouldn't do that as I don't want to waste my education or fail any classes but still it can give a strange sense of being powerless despite knowing that if worst came to worst and I really wanted to change something of course I could technically stop and get out. So seeing how I haven't had that urge I know that I am still in the right place and doing what I want to be doing.
Then why do I sometimes feel like I really don't want to go back to Middelburg. I spent this past weekend in Apeldoorn and having to leave again on Sunday evening is for some reason always difficult. Despite having spent most of the weekend studying, by being in a different city I feel more relaxed. So having to go back makes me worry (vicious cycle huh) about the new stress that'll come. But every time the stress is okay and doable, sometimes not totally okay but I get through it, when I just get going and keep going with my work I am fine as long as I just keep breathing. The amount of times I have told myself to just keep breathing ever since I started going to school is uncountable. My mom and dad used to tell me that when I had anxiety as a kid and also as an adolescent (let's be real they told me that yesterday over skype) and it always helps. Silly how a simple thing like breathing is something I sometimes have to remind myself of. I write it on the bottom of my to do lists when I get stressed out by all the things I have to do that day or week, the last item is breathe.
Don't get me wrong my education is great and I am really enjoying my courses this semester. We get super long holidays but to compensate for those we have a high workload throughout the semesters and sometimes I let the stress get to me. I think I want to blame it on the city or the university just so I can portray frustration onto something other than myself. At the same time I wouldn't want to study anything else, and I actually really like Middelburg most of the time.
Of course I know things could be far worse and I chose to go to university and to this one in particular. Of course I know how lucky I am to even be able to get an education such as the one I am getting. Of course I realize that I might sound incredibly ungrateful and whiny. But sometimes one's own situation can feel trapped despite knowing it could be worse. As I am writing this I am also aware that I enjoy studying (usually) and that the stress and workload is just preparation for the future. But sometimes I ask myself why I keep stressing myself out, when I know that so far things have always turned out completely fine or better than fine.
I've been back for almost twenty-four hours now and I can easily say it as always wasn't even close to as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was super tired after a bad night's sleep but it was a good day of interesting classes and to make things even better, on my bike ride home (at 18:00) it was still light outside!! Winter is leaving!On that note it is now almost 22:00 and I am super tired so I am calling it an early night. Slaap lekker!
No comments:
Post a Comment